Shaken, not stirred ...

There was a place I used to 'live' on the internet ~ a warm cozy safe haven as it were.

I haven't been 'living' there recently because ... welll ... I knew I should be living here in the real world. Sometimes it's hard to do both at once, you know?

Of course, my free time online has filled back up with other things, like blogging.

One characteristic I've carried through is trying to be honest. The real me.

Sometimes that comes across as negative. Sometimes as complaining.

As an extrovert, I do most of my thinking "out loud" -- either verbally or on paper or here on the internet.

One thing I've always appreciated is other people's honesty, openness, transparency. They feel like "real people". I've been to some blogs where every post is wound up in something nicey and devotiony. Which is fine, except sometimes it just feels fakey to me. The put on a happy, godly blog face. Maybe I'm just too cynical.

ANYway. A few things have happened. One is realizing that my think-out-loud trying to work through issues comes across as complaining. I really don't want to be known as a complainer. But I guess I have been very free with my struggles with things, often before I've really reached any conclusion, just trying to talk out to get to a conclusion. Sometimes my conclusion is that I need to choose contentment and leave the rest with the Lord. But of course, the complaining damage mid-process has already been spewed out there.

And then there was some incident at my former safe haven ... I wasn't there, I didn't hear it, but it made me feel like all my openness and honesty could come back and bite me in the b*tt.

You could go through my old thoughts, here, there, wherever I've been honest, pile up choice quotes, and I would sound really bad. I don't think I am really bad, but I think my honesty does come down pretty hard sometimes, and I am much more restrained posting about the good times.

Anyway, I feel bad. I feel like I need to be less me with you. Because I don't even know who all "you" are. I want to trust everyone, but that's not wise these days. Especially when you find out that even your safe places aren't so safe.

I'm sure I'm overreacting. I was having a bad sad day before this. But I don't know. I also want to be wise, and maybe posting every time I feel like I'm a bad mom is in the "unwise" category. You think?

What does this mean for the blog? I don't know yet.
Stay tuned to find out.