Still More Not Knowing

well ...

I haven't received the clarity I prayed for.

On the 'good news' side, my midwife said my uterus felt the right size and firm, she's felt some pre-miscarriage ones that felt 'enlarged but soft' and mine wasn't soft. She heard some possible placental noises but she wasn't sure.

But we couldn't get any heart tones for the baby.

But we both remember having trouble getting them this early on be before. Especially when I had the bleeding with little D. We heard them just fleetingly, just enough to give us a glimmer of hope, with LittleD, but then we could not confirm them or get them back.

So ... it was all just very inconclusive.

Really, it's all very similar to what it was like when I bled with LittleD, except for not getting fleeting heart tones this time. But that doesn't really mean anything, either.

I called my regular doc and said I didn't have a regular OB and could I come in? The lady treated me like I was an idiot for not seeing anyone earlier than 13 weeks. They can't get me in until 3 pm tomorrow to see the doc, and then the ultrasound would be separate after that, and I'm supposed to chaperone Iliacat's choir at 4 pm. So I left the tentative appointment at 3 pm but said I wasn't sure I could get out of my commitment. But I didn't like the way they talked to me.

I called urgent care, but they send people to ER for this sort of thing.

And ...

I'm struggling with the fact that it's not really an emergency. I mean, if the baby's in trouble, it's too early gestationally to *DO* anything but wait and rest and pray. I would hate to take ER time and ER doctors from more pressing emergencies.

As I was writing this, I heard back from The Grand Lunar. I've been too back-and-forth to make a decision, so I asked him, so we'll go with what he suggested. He recommends waiting and resting more, rather than messing with going to the doc or ER.

Please pray that waiting a week will provide more answers than today did.

:(

***

but in lighter news ...
I was crying, then stopped. Then the doorbell rang. It was the neighbor. So I called the big kids who whooshed down to come play. It was AFTER talking with the neighbor that one of the kids said to me, "What's wrong, mom, you have black lines down your face!"

Apparently my new mascara isn't waterproof.