On Not Knowing ...

It's been a hard day. A lot of crying, mostly when I was alone. Extra salty shower and all that.

The simple update is there's not much new information. I still have some light bleeding. It might even be lighter than yesterday. I'm not sure.

I've spent a lot of the day scheming in my head. How could I get an ultrasound without strings attached?

Why is the medical world set up so that you can't just get the tests you want, when you want them, and the analysis, but not the ongoing relationship unless you desire it? From my past experience, I know that doctors' office staff are pretty abrupt with people who come in at the wrong time, or with different thoughts than the average patient. You can't just waltz in and say you're planning something different but would like to purchase just one service. Maybe it's all the fears of malpractice, but many of the practices I called in the past wouldn't really even talk to me if I wasn't going to pretend to become a regular patient.

Anyway, I realize that I'm looking more to *medical knowledge* than to God for my peace, my assurance. I wrestle with feeling like I could handle either answer, as long as I had AN answer ... and I start scheming again, how can I get an answer.

But I come back to these facts:

1.) God could've given me an answer by now. We could've heard clear heart tones yesterday. Or I could have increased bleeding and passed the baby. My uterus could've been mushy and soft and all wrong for the dates. If He had the ability to give us an answer, but did not, why do I think I should seek an answer elsewhere?

2.) I asked my husband's guidance, and he gave it to me. I believe that is a God-ordained method of guidance. I didn't feel able to make a decision, and the Grand Lunar stepped in with his.

But not knowing, itself, continues to be hard. Not knowing whether I should start grieving, or rejoicing. I can rejoice that God is in control, that God is good, that God has a plan and will glorify Himself regardless of the outcome, indeed through the outcome, whichever directions things go. And truly, that is my prayer. Lord, you ARE good. All this is in Your hands, for Your glory.

But I can't currently rejoice or mourn the circumstances. I am stuck in limbo, waffling back and forth, somehow trying to do both at once.

Which makes for some tearful trips to the bathroom (one of the few places I'm alone during the day) ...

I guess if nothing else I can rejoice that I'm usually alone in the bathroom! I know not all mothers have that luxury.

Anyway, I'd love to chatter on about other things, but this waiting unknowing is weighing heavily on my mind.

I wonder sometimes when one knows to go and seek medical assistance ~ I do believe He uses it, I believe He often works through it. But I keep coming back to this situation and not really feeling he's telling me to go in. Sometimes I get upset, because I know most everyone else I know would go in. Why do I have to be the 'special' one with the crazy ideas? Why couldn't I just assume I should do it the way everyone else in America does it?

But ... I have truly loved our homebirths. And I have felt the snowballing of medical 'help' when one doesn't meet the doctor's schedule. I'd like to borrow the excuse that the situation is telling us to seek medical knowledge, but I don't really think this situation is. If it is, I pray that God really lays it on my heart, not a longing to have facts but an urgency that medical knowledge would be His way this time. And that more than that, He would lay it on the Grand Lunar's heart, and even my midwife's heart, whispering "Now is the time. This is the situation."

But unless He does that, I will just have to keep turning back to Him, trying to find peace and rest in the knowledge that He is good, He is in control, and that He has NOT called us that route.

If you would, please pray with me that He'll help me keep turning back to Him, even when it's hard.