*poke poke* ... is she in there?

Sorry, I guess I was spaced out, there. Here I was wondering why I'm pretty much only getting spam, and it turns out it's cause I haven't posted.

It's a rare at-a-loss-for-words moment.

Oh, that that I'm really at a loss for words. I'm full of words, as always. I just am indecisive about which ones to use, today.

I've got stuff I could say, like about things blooming in my yard, but I'm not really up for the effort of taking pix and cropping, resizing, and uploading them. Yeah, yeah, I'm that overworked.

Here's a tiny sample from my recent flickr stuff.

Those daffodils that were struggling to beat the odds of being wrapped up with the worms under the 'protective' weed barrier? They managed to bloom! But they were very droopy. But, come to think of it, I think they've been droopy in the past, too. Maybe they need to be separated? I don't really know. Maybe someone can tell me.

And some other things are blooming, like my Vinca, seen above unfurling in a spiral. And some wild cherry blossoms that popped out quickly, from nothing to bud to blossom in 2 days.

There's also unphotographed violets, dandelions, and things getting ready to bloom. I have a post in my head about the clematis I pruned, but don't have the energy to write it.

Truth be told, that's really it, I don't have any energy today. Today is one week from when I realized I really was, for sure, miscarrying. Or, I think more accurate, wrapping up a miscarriage. I think probably the baby had died sometime sooner than even when the bleeding started, but since I didn't go the high techie route I don't have the answers that the average american mom would have right now. I don't think those facts and knowledge would help much, but sometimes my brain tries to trick me, telling me I'd feel better if I just knew when the baby died. I don't know. Anyway, I guess I'm down today because it's been a week, because this time last week I was putting away my hope, and turning to walk in grief-and-faith.

People have been asking how I'm doing, and it strikes me as such an odd question. I mean, I see why they ask, but it's hard to answer. What's "doing well" ? What does that really mean? How does it work when you should feel sad and bad? Mumbling "Oh, I'm feeling sad, but I know God is good." sometimes feels a little weak. Not untrue, just sort of paling compared to real life. Maybe I should say, "I'm very sad, but God is very good!" ... LOL

And things that are minor and stupid make me sad. Like all our children's birthdays have been in odd years, save for one that came one day early of the odd year (and who's complaining there, because he brought that tax bonus early!) ... '95, nearly '97, '99, '01, '03, '05 ... and now we won't have an '07. The system is all messed up. Wouldn't that make you cry? Now I'll have to use my ACTUAL memory, for future children, instead of just math.

But, really. Back to my rambles on how I'm doing... You can't say, "doing fine!" because then you sound like you're in denial. You can't (well, you could) just weep and bawl, because then people worry that you're NOT doing fine. But sometimes the truth sounds small compared to how big it feels.

Sad but walking in faith. Feels big. Sounds little.

Look at me rambling and repeating myself.

I'm just pooped today. Physically and emotionally.

And I know it's okay to be. I know I have reason to be.

It's just too bad it interferes with the chipper happy blog writing.

But, really. I should be going.

I'll tell you why.

Because being sad and tired does not a clean house make.

Yeah. Laying around dozing and being sad all day = a trashed house pretty fast. If mom ain't workin and dictating, ain't no kids working, either.

But mostly I need to go because Buzz's diaper is "mom," really REALLY "mom" -- stinking up the room. So I'm earnestly blogging to avoid it for a moment. Although the stink might overwhelm us all, so, really, I'll go do it now.