That was ... refreshing?

So ...

I thought I went to the conference to be refreshed and encouraged. I thought I was being refreshed and encouraged while I was there. I heard some great speakers say some things that really rang true for me, felt insightful. You know, those "Ah ha, that's really the perspective I needed to hear." sort of moments.

The theme of the main speaker was that we need to "Draw near, hold fast" to Christ.

And I know the root of my struggles, the root of my discouragement and frustration, are all there in that issue. That I need to not rely on my strength, not look to other things to fix everything, but to draw near and hold fast to Christ.

Except.

I don't feel like I am even able to get that right, right now.

I've made some pitiful attempts. I am so distractible, my mind just chatters and drifts and won't stay focused. I'm not saying I should offer God pathetic attempts, but I sometimes feel that's the best I've got to offer now, to at least try to cry out, try to draw near. Only I feel like I can't even get that right.

And if that's the root of it all ... and I can't get it right ... then what?

I know, I know, it's not about ME, it's about Him.

But ...
what happens to the one who tries ... or tries to try ... or is trying hard to try to try ... and cries out to God "help me draw near to you, God" and still seems to fall flat on her face?

Did I not cry out sincerely enough?
Long enough?
Is there some hidden sin that I'm overlooking?
Is my repentance only self-pity?

And if so, how do I become more sincere? How do I become repentant rather than just sorry?

Doesn't that require ... drawing nearer to God?

It all comes back to what I can't seem to be able to do.

And if I can't draw near to Him, why doesn't He pick me up?

I don't know why I have this huge disconnect.

What do I do now?

Just keep trying? Try harder?

Is it because I think, at these conferences, "I really shouldn't spend all my time wasting it on the internet" and then don't change? Is my inability to change what's keeping me from being able to reach God? Is it holding me back from trying? Or does that change have to come FROM drawing near?

If it comes down to having to get it right first, and/or how hard I try to reach God, then it seems like it's more about me and my potential failure than about Him. And I know that isn't Truth.

But ... how do I reconcile living *here* in this place where I can't seem to draw near and hold fast? Where I really think I want to, where I am trying ... or trying to try ... and still not seeming to draw near?