Probably the tired talking

I think I'm stuck between worlds. My world has a bunch of bad measuring sticks.

Today's measuring stick is baby sleep. If I were a good mother, my babies would sleep. If my babies would sleep, I would somehow be able to do the things that are important in life.

On one hand there's the nice scheduled world were mothers help their babies to sleep on a nice, regular, predictable schedule. Some do it by a firm commitment to crying it out. Others claim they don't really need to leave the baby to cry, baby just settles in to settling themselves. Mine certainly don't lead themselves that direction. And due to some weight gain issues with my oldest and never having plump babies anyway, the cry it out and strict schedule will never be for me.

On the other hand there's the baby wearing, co-sleeping world, where baby is always content with mom or dad or someone ... which would be great if you don't need or want any longer windows hands free and unencumbered. Maybe I'm too selfish to be a true baby wearing mom.

It seems like there'd be a middle ground, but I feel like my middle ground misses the best of both worlds; I don't have enough structure and regularity to feel like I can get what needs to be done, but because I keep trying to put a baby down for a nap, I don't have the happy la la existence of contentedly holding baby all the time. Instead I'll walk/nurse/wear her to sleep, put her down, nervously sneak away desperately hoping she'll stay asleep, and return a little wearier in 7 minutes when she's fussed herself awake.

If you're thinking, "But have you let her fuss, see if she settles down?" - yes, I have. Once in a great while she does settle herself back down. Usually she works herself up to true crying. Quickly.

If you're thinking, "But have you put her down tired but not nursed/walked to sleep, so she can drift off herself?" - yes, I've tried. See the answer above.

If you're thinking, "But she's not even 6 weeks old, cut yourself some slack ..." - that's a nice idea, but in my experience we're not really progressing towards better sleep for many months. In the meantime, the school needs, the household needs, grocery shopping, meal and clean up, child training, etc. marches on ... or, in my case, flounders on. When you are not a naturally scheduled/organized person, you're already living dangerously close to chaos, there's not much room for slack cutting.

and, in a semi-unrelated vein ... If you're thinking, "Kim hasn't answered any of my emails or sent me my thank you note, or sent me a Christmas card or birth announcement, or even let me know that she received my card/email ..." - I'm sorry. I guess that's where I *am* cutting slack, even though I shouldn't. I've never been a good letter/card writer, although I used to be an excellent email reply-er ... but being tired and discouraged and behind, I don't have the emotional energy to do those things. I know that's lame, how much effort does it take? But, like I said, I'm floundering. I'm not trying to make excuses for myself, I feel bad and don't feel justified. I'm just letting you know the sad reality.

And I can't help think that if I were a better mom, somehow, I'd have a better handle on all those things. I'd be showered and dressed before noon, for example.